


Humans are Weird but Aliens are Weirder

by autumn_sparrow



Category: Thai Actor RPF, offgun
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alternate Universe - Among Us (Video Game) Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28359876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumn_sparrow/pseuds/autumn_sparrow
Summary: Off and Gun are aliens who join a space expedition from Earth. Both pretend to be humans but are doing a bad job at it. Chaos (and romance) ensues.
Relationships: Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9
Collections: Among Us: Holiday Spin-Off





	Humans are Weird but Aliens are Weirder

**Author's Note:**

  * For [exosted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exosted/gifts).



“I hope you understand the gravity of this mission, Major Jumpol,” said the figure cloaked in shadow behind the desk.

“Yes, Colonel. I understand completely. I won’t let you or the Kingdom down,” he answered with his head bowed in front of his superior. 

“This is not a simple recon mission, Major Jumpol. We need in-depth knowledge on humans before we agree to any alliance with them. Use the Scholar Tawan’s book to guide you in your actions. We can’t have the humans learn of our presence on their ship.” 

“Understood, Colonel. I’ll make sure they think I’m just like them.” 

“Very well. Good luck, Major. I am counting on you,” he said as he dismissed the young man from his office.

Major Off Jumpol was excited. Sure, he was well-aware of the weight of his mission but he couldn’t help but preen over being chosen. He knew a lot of senior officers were unhappy they were overlooked in favor of him. He was going to use this mission to prove that he deserved this mission, his promotion, and everything that came with it. 

* * *

“I don’t understand why you would even want to go on this expedition. We have tons of information on the humans. You don’t have to put yourself at risk just to learn more about them,” Arm said from his place on the furs laid out on the floor. 

Gun had barely heard his friend, too busy with the task at hand. 

“We have books and museums on those alien beings. What more could you possibly learn by staying with them for 180 rotations?” the other man complained. 

“I told you, Comrade Arm, I want a first-hand look into how the humans behave with each other,” Gun said as he continued to pack his _human_ clothes. These garments might have been his favorite part of these alien creatures. 

“They are supposed to be the next great alliance for the galaxies. We can’t just depend on ancient texts; we need to get to know them personally.” 

”Fine. But I want daily updates, you hear! I refuse to not know how you are faring with those alien creatures.” 

* * *

Off had been on the ship for three days and he had already started to regret his decision to accept this mission. When he read “Humans 101: What They Are” by the scholar Tay Tawan, he simply thought these beings were odd and quirky. But he was wrong. 

***FLASHBACK***

When he first got on the ship, a human called Mike enveloped him in his arms. Off threw him off and almost attacked him before another human called New stopped him. 

“Yo, bro, chill,” New said as he stood between the two, his hand up in a non-confrontational way. 

“It’s okay, Newwie. It was my bad,” Mike said as he got up to his feet. He patted his friend’s shoulder to calm him down. 

“I’m sorry, man,” he said as he extended his arm to Off. “I shouldn’t have assumed that everyone wants a hug. That was my bad. Peace?” 

Off was still confused but he remembered encountering the word ‘hug’ in his studies. Humans considered it a gesture of warmth and friendship. He also remembered that an extended hand meant the same thing. Before he could expose himself completely he took the other’s hand. 

As he shook the human’s hand, he said, “Peace. I apologize for my actions. I was caught off-guard.” 

“It’s cool, dude. I’ll make sure to ask next time.” 

***FLASHBACK***

_No wonder it took eons for these creatures to traverse the galaxies; their customs will get them killed if they aren't careful. Such little regard for self-preservation. It looks like this alliance will result in us providing protection to these aliens._

Gun had been enjoying the artificial sunlight in the spaceship’s park when his new human friend sat next to him on the grass. 

“Hi, Gun. I got you an iced Americano,” New said as he handed the smaller male his drink. 

“Thank you, New. That is very kind of you,” Gun said as he took the drink. 

It was his third day on the ship and Gun had already learned so much. Nothing in “Humans 101: What They Are” could have prepared him for how the humans were in real life. He was always fascinated by them but to see their customs and habits first-hand was a treat. 

On his first day, New had offered him the same drink. He was surprised by other’s bravery at freely distributing a drug before remembered that humans regularly consumed caffeine and capsaicin and other poisons. Good thing Gun packed serums and antidotes to let him eat and drink these aliens’ sustenance without being harmed. 

_These humans truly are fascinating, from how they dressed to what they ate. I knew Scholar Tawan had missed a lot. I can’t believe I’ve already learned so much. I’ve only been here three days and I feel like I can make a whole series of books on them._

“Are you free later? The other guys and I were planning on going bowling,” New asked as he observed Off pass by in front of them. Maybe he should invite him, too. He and Mike seemed close now after that minor incident. 

“I would like that very much, New. Thank you for inviting me.” 

“Great! I can’t wait. I have to go and invite more people, but I’ll see you there,” he said as he got up and walked towards Off. 

Gun waved as he watched his friend chase after the tall human.

* * *

“Mission report, Major Jumpol,” said the shadowy figure on the screen. 

“These humans have odd customs, but they seem harmless. As I mentioned in my report last month, we will probably have to offer protection for an alliance.” 

“Hm… Our experts already expected that. I think you should double-up on your efforts, Major Jumpol. It has been a month and two weeks but all the information you’ve given us can be found in our existing database.” 

“I could try to infiltrate a social group,” Off suggested. His superior didn’t sound disappointed but he still wanted to do something to impress him and the other senior officers. Maybe if he made a new discovery he could cut this mission short. 

“That sounds like a good idea. But let’s optimize it. A social group would have too many factors involved. Why not try that custom called ‘dating’?” 

“Dating? You mean get intimate with a human?” 

“Yes. I have read somewhere that humans tend to put their guard down when they are in the bed chamber.” 

“I understand, Colonel. I shall look into the matter.” 

“I trust that you will do what is best for the mission, Major Jumpol. Signing off,” the shadowy figure said before the screen went entirely black. 

Off let out the breath he was holding and banged his head on the desk. 

_Dating? Good galaxies! I didn’t know I would have to get intimate with one of these alien creatures. This seems too much work for a simple recon mission._

* * *

_Who should I get intimate with? That Mike human would be a perfect candidate but he mentioned a mate waiting for him back on Earth. New would have been good too, except I’ve heard rumors that he is infatuated with an alien, he might find me out._

“Off! Do you want to share a meal with us?” a cheerful voice took him out of his reverie. He turned and saw that small human called Gun smiling at him. 

_Him. He seems uninvolved with anyone. Maybe I can date him._

Off showed his teeth in what the humans called a smile. “Of course, Gun! I would enjoy meal sharing with you.” 

He made sure to sit next to the smaller human at their table. He read that close proximity was important in human relationships of the romantic kind. He also made sure to stare as he read that it shared his intentions. 

“Uh… Hey, Off. You okay there, bud?” Mike asked, weirded out by Off’s intense glare towards Gun. He didn’t know what happened between the two but he was kind of worried. 

“Yes, Mike?” Off asked as he continued to stare at Gun who was too busy eating his third cup of ice cream. 

“It’s just—you seem like you’re ready to fight Gun,” Mike harshly whispered in his friend’s ear. 

That caught Off’s attention, suddenly worried that he might expose himself and his mission. He racked his brain for human customs that will explain his behavior. 

“Oh! I—I just think he’s cute. Yes. So cute that I… I want to eat him. Yes, that’s it,” he said loud enough for the entire table to hear. 

“Well… tha—that’s great, man!” Mike said, unsure of how to react to his friend wanting to eat out his other friend in public. 

“God. I wish Tawan would eat me out,” New said under his breath. 

“What was that, New?” Gun asked, his head cocked to signify his confusion.

“Nothing, Gun. I’m happy for you. It looks like the next six months is going to be exciting for you.” 

_It sure does look that way. I should read up what this eating out business means._

* * *

“How is the expedition going, Comrade Gun?” said the miniature hologram of Arm on the communication platform.

“It is going splendidly well, Comrade Arm. I’m learning so much. I might even try to live on Earth after this expedition.” 

“Goodness. Are humans really that fascinating?” 

“They are but it’s so much more than that. They’re so very welcoming and warm like something out of those fairytales we’ve read in their books. But there is this one human that has caught my attention. It seems that he is interested in me,” Gun said with a small smile on his face. He might not have fully understood Off’s intentions but it made him feel good. 

“Interested like the human would want to mate with you?” 

“I guess. He is… attractive. I wouldn’t say no if he asked.” He wasn’t even lying. Gun was a firm believer in free love—excited about the differences in intimate actions across the universe. 

“My my… Aren’t you getting adventurous? Well, as long as you are careful not to let him know you aren’t human, Comrade Gun.” 

“Yes, Comrade Arm. You don’t need to worry about me. I can handle myself with this human.” 

The conversation then steered away from his love life and towards Comrade Arm’s newest art project for the Capitol. 

* * *

“Hello, Off! How are you today?” Gun asked as he looped his arm with the other’s. He saw the human walking the halls and thought he’d join him. 

Off was a bit flustered with the unexpected contact but caught himself. He couldn’t attack Gun, not just because that would look suspicious but because the other made him feel warm inside. 

“I am doing well, Gun. How are you?” Off asked as he held Gun’s hand. He read that is what humans in relationships did. 

“I am well, too. Do you want to join me at the solar deck? I heard that there will be an eclipse later. It would be lovely if we watched it together.” 

Off noticed Gun’s cheeks color as he made his request. He read that this happened when humans were sick or embarrassed. The small human didn’t seem like he was ill, so he might have felt shy over the request. 

“Sure. I would enjoy watching an eclipse with you. Would you like to get food at the cafeteria before heading over to the solar deck?” 

“Yes, I would like that.” 

_He wants to share sustenance. According to Scholar Tawan, that is a sign of affection. How interesting. I wonder how humans are in the sleeping chambers. Or maybe how Off is… I don’t think I’m that interested in what other humans do._

* * *

“Have you noticed how those two aliens seem to be acting weirder than usual?” asked Mike as he observed Off and Gun eat each other’s faces in the corner of the spaceship’s park. He was pretty sure they were trying to make out but haven’t figured out how to do it yet. 

“I mean, I guess? Maybe they didn’t cover dating in their training,” New said as he observed the pair. It looked interesting, to say the least. 

He knew they would have alien guests on this expedition, but he wasn’t prepared for what that truly meant. He watched his two new friends fall for each other. They seemed to have been trying to date in a human way which made things entertaining, but it was also very sweet. 

“You’re right. I doubt they covered dating. Should we at least tell them that straddling your boyfriend in public is frowned upon?” 

“Nah. That might be their custom. You know what the teachers said, we should respect them the way we expect them to respect us.” 

“You’re right. I’m just worried the Peacekeepers might write them up for an indecency charge,” Mike said as Gun started grinding on top of a very flustered Off. 

New considered the two and said, “If that happens, we’ll just have to come to their defense as their friends.”

* * *

Off observed Gun as the smaller creature played with the animatronic puppies in the petting zoo. He couldn’t help the warm feeling that came over him when he caught the other’s smile. He consulted Scholar Tawan’s book and saw that it was a normal reaction in romantic settings. 

_Could I really have feelings for this human? I knew it started for the mission but I don’t know anymore. He is just so nice and caring. And he is good-looking, even without the extra appendages or the purple skin. But how would he react when he finds out I have been dishonest about my true form?_

“Off? Are you alright?” Gun asked, a worried expression on his face. At first, he entertained the other’s advances because he considered it as another learning experience, but now he is unsure. 

_I think I have fallen for this human. He ticks off all the factors that indicate a perfect human mate—tall, muscular, handsome, capable, caring… I know letting my emotions rule me is not the smartest decision but I can’t seem to help it. I wonder how he would react when I reveal my true identity._

“Yes, just lost in thought,” he said as he tried to keep his voice light. He decided; he was going to tell Gun the truth. “Gun, are you busy tonight?” 

“No. Why do you ask?” 

“Would you like to join me in my quarters? There is something important I have to tell you.” 

Gun took a moment to consider the offer. He had a feeling the other planned to confess to him. If he agreed, he would have to tell the other the truth. He couldn’t continue his lies, not to Off. 

“Yes. I would like that. I, too, have something of importance to tell you.”

* * *

Off and Gun were sitting on the bed, the room quiet except for the sound of their breaths. 

“Gun, I have to tell you something,” Off said as turned towards the other. He didn’t know how to start, so he decided to just go for it. 

“I—I am an alien.” 

The room was silent but Off was sure the thunderous beating of all three of his hearts was deafening. He turned his face towards the floor after his revelation, scared to look at Gun’s reaction. 

The seconds ticked by, the silence had begun to become uncomfortable. He had just decided that he was going to look when he felt the bed shaking and heard laughter. 

He turned his head so fast that he knew he was going to have a crick in his neck tomorrow. 

“W-why are you laughing? What’s so funny about me being an alien? Are you not disgusted by me?” 

This only caused the other to laugh harder. Gun was now bent over, his arms clutched against his stomach. His laughs had started losing their sound as he struggled for air. 

_Oh my galaxies. I broke him. His puny human brain couldn’t handle the information. I’ve broken the human that I like._

Off had started to panic, scared of what to do next. He thought he was prepared to be rejected but he wasn’t so sure anymore. 

Gun had stopped laughing long enough to realize that the person next to him was going through it. He got himself together and turned towards the other. 

“I am sorry, Off. I was not laughing at you. I laughed because this situation is ridiculous.” 

“What?” Off asked as he turned his face towards Gun. He wanted to see the other’s eyes and the truth they offered. 

In fact, I am relieved,” Gun said as he took Off’s hands in his. “Why in the galaxy would I be disgusted by you? I like you,” he said as he brought one of the other’s hands to his lips. 

“I like you a lot, Off. More than I should, some would argue.” 

So he asked all that came to his mind, “Then, you’re not upset that I am an alien?” 

“Of course not, especially since I am an alien as well,” Gun said as his eyes tuned a luminescent blue.

* * *

It was the last month of the expedition and everyone on the ship was occupied with preparations. Mike and New had planned a week of farewell activities they needed to finish. Meanwhile, Gun and Off were holed up in the latter’s chambers. 

“We should really help our friends,” Gun said from underneath the other man. They had figured out how to be intimate in each other’s true forms two months ago and they hadn’t stopped since. 

“We should but we should also enjoy the time we have left,” Off said as he pressed another kiss on the other’s sternum. 

“True… But I am coming with you to your planet when you embark,” he said as he arched up at the sensation. 

“Hm… But we won’t have much time to ourselves when we get there. I have to catch up with my duties while you have that research project at our research center.” 

“You make a fine argument, Mate Off,” Gun said as he sat up and captured the other’s mouth with his. 

**END**

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays, babii! I hope you like this Christmas present I made.
> 
> P.S. This is my first story for this ship and I did it without a beta. Please be kind in your comments. Thanks!


End file.
